Grammar is Dead

by Ben

In a recent short but well-written statement from the North American Grammar Society (NAGS), it was announced that, in response to an overwhelming lack of support, the organization would be forced to shut down.

Taxed with policing the continent’s writing, recent years that featured the advent of facebook, Twitter and internet shorthand, in addition to the rise of texting, the organization simply decided that the work was far too time-consuming for any one group to monitor.

“It used to be we had this guy who monitored all the people that wrote ‘your’ when they meant ‘you’re,'” said Dr. Jason Pendegrass, former head of NAGS, “but then he got a facebook account; and the next day he killed himself.”

It also seems NAGS was facing growing opposition. Pendegrass notes that, historically, there have always been some opponents to the work done by his organization. “There have always been dumb people in the world,” he notes flatly of people who resist NAGS’ work, “but now it seems like they’re the majority.”

People used to claim laziness when they failed to capitalize a proper name or, when told they had missed a comma, they would reluctantly revise an e-mail, stating they must have missed it. “These days? Shit, you tell some asshole that he wrote ‘their’ when he meant to abbreviate ‘they are’ and he’s more likely to call you a Grammar Nazi than he is to thank you. It’s like people don’t care if they look like idiots. I’m telling you dumb is the new black.”

Experts predict that the collapse of NAGS will almost certainly spell the end of the semi-colon and they are likewise fearful for the fate of the word “whom.”

In related news, the American Association for the Advancement of Arithmetic has announced the discontinuation of all numbers under five in addition to the act of subtraction, noting, “No one gives a fuck anymore.”

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