COPS

by Ben

The scene embedded below was one I wrote as part of Something Clever, my graduation show for the Conservatory Program at The Second City Training Centre. This video is from the original performance of that show on February 26, 2011 at the Second City in Toronto. My scene-mate is the talented and handsome actor, Andrew Ferguson and this was shot by his equally talented and handsome girlfriend, Mandy Sellers. 

The original script for the scene follows. 

Something Clever Presents “Cops” from Mandy Sellers on Vimeo.

Lights up on FITZY, buttoning up his shirt in a locker room. CHARLIE walks in, drying his hair.

FITZY
Good shower Charlie?

CHARLIE
Great shower, Fitzy.

FITZY
Nothing like a hot shower after a day of keeping scumbags off the street.

CHARLIE
You said it, Fitzy. How’s your hand?

FITZY
[Throwing a shadow jab] It’ll take more than some palooka’s mug to hurt me, Charlie.

CHARLIE
You slay me, Fitzy. Nobody cracks heads like you.

FITZY
So what do you say we go down to bar to wet our whistles? If we flash our badges those bastards will let us drink for free all night.

CHARLIE
I don’t think so Fitzy.

FITZY
You want to go to the track and play the ponies for the afternoon?

CHARLIE
Not tonight Fitzy.

FITZY
What gives Charlie?

CHARLIE
What do you mean?

FITZY
Something seems wrong. You haven’t wanted to rough up a minority in weeks. And you almost never drink while on patrol anymore.[PAUSE]

CHARLIE
Well it’s just…Nothing, it’s nothing Fitzy.

FITZY
Come on, don’t give me that. I’ve been your partner for 20 years. Don’t be a wet blanket. Spill the beans.

CHARLIE
I’ve got something to tell you.

FITZY
Spit it out, Charlie.

CHARLIE
Well Fitzy, I think I’m…gay.

FITZY
Gay?

CHARLIE
That’s right, gay.

[PAUSE]

FITZY
Ah, horsefeathers. You’re bumpin’ gums.

CHARLIE
No, I’m on the trolley. I’ve been trying to tell you for a coon’s age.

FITZY
Come on, Charlie. Don’t bust my chops.

CHARLIE
Dammit Fitzy, enough topical slang! Listen to me! I am gay.

[PAUSE as FITZY thinks things over and both men cool down]

FITZY
So you’re gay?

CHARLIE
That’s right.

FITZY
And all this time I didn’t know from nothin’. This will really change things between us Charlie.

CHARLIE
Why do you gotta say that Fitzy?

FITZY
Because it will! Things will be different now.

CHARLIE
Don’t be a flat tire, Fitzy. It’s still me. Thing’s will be just like they’ve always been.

FITZY
Oh really? How will things be the same now that I know you drink blood and only sleep during the day?

CHARLIE
What’s that?

FITZY
I mean it Charlie! And I’ll have to be careful with garlic now.

CHARLIE
No. No I don’t…I think you’re thinking of vampires.

FITZY
Right. Right. What I mean is that, now that you’re gay you’ll probably be busy collecting children’s teeth from under their pillows and leaving them nickels.

CHARLIE
No, Fitzy, you’re thinking of the toothfairy.

FITZY
Of course I am. How silly of me to get those mixed up. What I meant to say of course is that, I suppose now that you’re gay, you’ll beat your wife and mostly eat potatoes.

CHARLIE
No, no. I think you’re thinking of the Irish. You do know what “gay” means, don’t you Fitzy?

FITZY
Of course I do. It means you’ve got the power of flight.

CHARLIE
No.

FITZY
You’re half horse and half man?

CHARLIE
No, that’s a centaur.

FITZY
It means you spend your never-ending childhood on the island of Neverland?

CHARLIE
That’s Peter Pan.

FITZY
Being gay means that you drink to excess and have far too many children?

CHARLIE
Now that one’s definitely the Irish. Fitzy…you don’t know what being gay means do you?

FITZY
I thought I did…

CHARLIE
Fitzy, being gay just means that, I like to have sex with other men.

FITZY
That’s what being gay is?

CHARLIE
That’s what it is.

[PAUSE]

FITZY
Well then I’m gay too Charlie.

CHARLIE
You are?

FITZY
Very gay!

CHARLIE
Well then, would you like to go to my car?

FITZY
I’d be delighted.

[The two walk off stage holding hands]

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