Some collected work.

Category: Correspondence

Dear Toronto Sun

August 8, 2012

Mr. James Wallace
Toronto Sun
c/o Sun Media Corporation
333 King Street East
Toronto, Ontario
M5A 3X5

Dear Mr. Wallace:

I am long-time, loyal reader of your great publication and the reasons behind my writing you today are two-fold: Firstly, I’d like to congratulate you on your tireless dedication to the sort of journalism that real Torontonians like me need and appreciate, and secondly, I’d like to ask you for a favour.

I read The Sun daily because I appreciate your devotion to unbiased coverage of those politicians currently bringing some much-needed straight talk to city council. Your refusal to join ranks with Toronto’s more liberal media outlets who continue to slander the likes of the brothers Ford and Councillor Mammoliti just because they frequently speak without thinking and don’t kowtow to the wishes of their own constituency is refreshing. Too often Toronto’s other papers lazily use facts and quotes just to paint an unflattering picture of those politicians with whom their beliefs don’t align. The Sun, on the other hand, never lets facts and quotes dictate the story. Read the rest of this entry »


A Letter From The One Per Cent

This was originally published in The Huffington Post on January 5th, 2011.

I’ve been asked by a representative from the infamous one per cent to deliver this letter to the 99 per cent and the Occupy movement protesters.


Dear 99 per cent,

On behalf of the one per cent, we just wanted to send you a sincere and heartfelt thank you for your recent efforts at the “Occupy” protests.

We, the wealthiest people in the world, are extremely grateful you took to the streets to get the word out about the insane lack of parity in wealth distribution in the United States and Canada, and we are glad that you gave the issue of corruption in the world’s financial markets a global stage.

No really, we are.

Read the rest of this entry »

A Letter to the Old Man at the Gym Who Has the Same Underwear as Me

Dear Old Man at the Gym Who Has the Same Underwear as Me,

I’d like to sincerely apologize for the events that transpired today. I’m aware that my conduct was inappropriate and I feel like I probably had an adverse effect on your day.

Clearly, by pointing to the area near my penis, looking at you, and shouting, “Hey!” I have broken not only a number of general gym-etiquette rules, but also an unspoken understanding that you and I have always shared as we spend that little part of our daily routine together in various stages of undress.

Read the rest of this entry »